Leaked draft letter that was supposed to be sent out to American companies on the eve of Inauguration Day. Rumor has it that it was rejected by the PR team and is now crumbled up in a waste basket somewhere in the West Wing.

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Dear CEO/Manager,

We would like to start off by assuring you that we will do everything in our power to let YOU know how we can help YOUR company move forward with us into our glorious future. Our new and improved administration is writing to welcome you to a new way of doing things starting January 21st, 2021.

As we all know, labor has been the most expensive part of doing business. Under our new government that will no longer be true. No longer will you be asked to, nor required, to pay your workers what liberals call “a fair wage” or “a living wage.” Our keen law enforcement will make sure you never have to worry about unionizing again. That’s right – we ARE HERE TO SAVE YOU MONEY!

Another problem American corporations like yours face is that in addition to paying rent, paying utilities AND your workers, the public sometimes has a say in where you locate and what you do. We pledge to end public input for any new developments!

We feel it is an undue burden that penalizes hard working companies such as yours. We felt deeply saddened when the public (a.k.a. liberal activists) pushed to keep Amazon out of Queens, New York in 2019. Our sorrow is your sorrow.

Well, under our new administration you will never need to face such scrutiny again. In our system, you can simply bribe reward certain officials in the city and all of those problems will vanish. This means dealing with the public only if you want to. No longer will you need to follow expensive, tedious regulations that do nothing but harm your business. Imagine how much you will save each year as you support us!

While we’re on the topic of money – when it comes to taxes, we know how hard it is to earn an honest buck these days – especially with the IRS breathing down your neck. In our view, we feel if you earned all that money – you deserve to keep it. After all, why should tax money go to benefit all those low-class people who can’t take care of themselves? If they wanted that money, they should have started a business like you did! We feel if you’re poor, you’re obviously stupid!

Listen, we know that you’re smart & we’re smart too, so we’re determined to partner with you to make sure you can keep  all money you’ve earned. Taxes are for losers!

Of course, in order for this new system to function smoothly, we might, now and then, ask you for something. It might be an effortless political contribution, hiring someone, or collaborating with us on projects.

Being a Team Player

As a team player you will get quite a lot of benefits – benefits that we believe would far outweigh anything we ask of you. Remember this is all predicated on the fact you withhold any critiques or criticism of us, as we know what we are doing. Speaking out might result in our office contacting you.

Additional things we may contact you include helping us promote and celebrate our glorious nation which is, after all, the land of the free and the home of the brave. In fact, we are all about celebrations and honoring our great leader and all those who are on our team.

And so, CEO/Manager, we want to welcome you to this new world in which you can finally be free of the constraints and regulations forced on you by the old, desiccated, liberal democracy. Imagine finally being free from liberals accusing you of “polluting,” or “racism,” “sexism,” and all the other “-isms” they love to come up with.

Together, we will make sure all of us smart people have the tools that we need to run our businesses and our country in a way that rewards those who really deserve it. Join us as we move forward into this prosperous future!

Thank you in advance,

Your Friends in High Places

a.k.a. The Big Cheeto

a.k.a. Captain Chaos

a.k.a. Trumplethinskin

a.k.a. Screaming Carrot Demon

a.k.a. Tangerine Tornado

a.k.a. The Big White Dope